Trump visits the Last Supper
I asked the Google search bar:
write a funny script about Donald Trump beamed back in time to the Last Supper. He should try to make a deal with Jesus.
Here's the response:
SETTING:
A dusty, dimly lit upper room in Jerusalem. A long wooden table is filled with flatbread, wine jugs, and thirteen men in sandals and coarse tunics.
A dusty, dimly lit upper room in Jerusalem. A long wooden table is filled with flatbread, wine jugs, and thirteen men in sandals and coarse tunics.
CHARACTERS:
- JESUS: Calm, serene, wearing a simple linen robe, holding a loaf of bread.
- DONALD TRUMP: Suddenly materializes in a flash of blue futuristic light. He is wearing a dark suit, an extra-long red tie, and waving his hands dynamically.
- JUDAS: Looking shifty, nervously clutching a small leather pouch.
[SCENE START]
JESUS
(Pausing mid-sentence, looking up calmly)
Verily, I say unto you, one of you shall betray me—
(Pausing mid-sentence, looking up calmly)
Verily, I say unto you, one of you shall betray me—
(A loud ZAP echoes through the room. Smoke clears to reveal Trump standing at the foot of the table. He coughs, adjusts his tie, and looks around.)
TRUMP
Wow. What a room. Very rustic. Terrible lighting, frankly. Low ceilings. Where are we, the basement? And look at this seating arrangement. Everyone on one side of the table? Terrible logistics. You can't see the room.
Wow. What a room. Very rustic. Terrible lighting, frankly. Low ceilings. Where are we, the basement? And look at this seating arrangement. Everyone on one side of the table? Terrible logistics. You can't see the room.
PETER
(Drawing a small fishing knife, panicked)
Begone, demon of the future! What sorcery is this?
(Drawing a small fishing knife, panicked)
Begone, demon of the future! What sorcery is this?
TRUMP
(Waving his hands dismissively)
Relax, Peter, relax. Put the knife away. No knives at the table, very low class. JC, listen to me. I just got beamed back by Elon—great guy, brilliant guy—and I came because I heard about your business model. You’ve got a massive following. Incredible crowds. The biggest crowds Judea has ever seen. But your monetization strategy? Total disaster.
(Waving his hands dismissively)
Relax, Peter, relax. Put the knife away. No knives at the table, very low class. JC, listen to me. I just got beamed back by Elon—great guy, brilliant guy—and I came because I heard about your business model. You’ve got a massive following. Incredible crowds. The biggest crowds Judea has ever seen. But your monetization strategy? Total disaster.
JESUS
(Setting the bread down, looking kindly at Trump)
My kingdom is not of this world, Donald. I offer the bread of life for free.
(Setting the bread down, looking kindly at Trump)
My kingdom is not of this world, Donald. I offer the bread of life for free.
TRUMP
(Leaning forward, hands flat on the table)
And that’s where you're losing! Free is weak. Free gets you a zero-percent return on investment. I’m here to offer you the ultimate trade agreement. The Abraham Accords Part Two: The Galilee Edition. We rebrand the whole operation. "Trump & Christ Enterprises."
(Leaning forward, hands flat on the table)
And that’s where you're losing! Free is weak. Free gets you a zero-percent return on investment. I’m here to offer you the ultimate trade agreement. The Abraham Accords Part Two: The Galilee Edition. We rebrand the whole operation. "Trump & Christ Enterprises."
JESUS
(Amused, sipping his wine)
And what is this deal you propose?
(Amused, sipping his wine)
And what is this deal you propose?
TRUMP
We franchise the miracles. Water into wine? Beautiful. But we bottle it. "Christ’s Cabernet." Premium pricing. We license the loaves and fishes. Think about the catering margins, Jesus! One basket feeds five thousand? The overhead is zero! We'll make billions. We’ll buy out the Romans.
We franchise the miracles. Water into wine? Beautiful. But we bottle it. "Christ’s Cabernet." Premium pricing. We license the loaves and fishes. Think about the catering margins, Jesus! One basket feeds five thousand? The overhead is zero! We'll make billions. We’ll buy out the Romans.
JESUS
(Serenely)
The blind see, the lame walk, and the poor have the gospel preached to them. These are not assets to be liquidated.
(Serenely)
The blind see, the lame walk, and the poor have the gospel preached to them. These are not assets to be liquidated.
TRUMP
(Waving hands dynamically)
Look, I respect the philanthropy, I really do. It's a nice tax write-off. But I’ve been looking at your inner circle here, and frankly, the human resources situation is a mess. Total lack of vetting. (Points a sharp finger at Judas) Look at this guy over here. Shifty eyes. Sweating through his tunic. Holding a bag of thirty silver coins. Thirty? Judas, that’s a terrible inflation rate. Worst trade deal in the history of trade deals.
(Waving hands dynamically)
Look, I respect the philanthropy, I really do. It's a nice tax write-off. But I’ve been looking at your inner circle here, and frankly, the human resources situation is a mess. Total lack of vetting. (Points a sharp finger at Judas) Look at this guy over here. Shifty eyes. Sweating through his tunic. Holding a bag of thirty silver coins. Thirty? Judas, that’s a terrible inflation rate. Worst trade deal in the history of trade deals.
JUDAS
(Gasping, dropping the pouch)
How could you know of the Sanhedrin's silver?!
(Gasping, dropping the pouch)
How could you know of the Sanhedrin's silver?!
TRUMP
Because you have zero leverage, Judas! You're a low-IQ traitor. (Turns back to Jesus) Jesus, if you sign my deal, I’ll handle the legal. I’ve got Pontius Pilate on line one—great guy, we did a casino deal in Caesarea. We launch a counter-coup. Immediate regime change. We slap a sixty-percent tariff on the Pharisees. Total economic blockade. We'll make Jerusalem great again!
Because you have zero leverage, Judas! You're a low-IQ traitor. (Turns back to Jesus) Jesus, if you sign my deal, I’ll handle the legal. I’ve got Pontius Pilate on line one—great guy, we did a casino deal in Caesarea. We launch a counter-coup. Immediate regime change. We slap a sixty-percent tariff on the Pharisees. Total economic blockade. We'll make Jerusalem great again!
JESUS
(Sighs softly, looking at Trump with pity)
Donald, your heart is full of worldly treasures. But the son of man must go, as it is written. The sacrifice must be made.
(Sighs softly, looking at Trump with pity)
Donald, your heart is full of worldly treasures. But the son of man must go, as it is written. The sacrifice must be made.
TRUMP
(Shaking his head, totally frustrated)
Wow. Total lack of flexibility. No vision. You’re letting the corrupt Sanhedrin run the ratings war. You’ve got no marketing strategy, Jesus! If you don't take the deal, you're going to fold! Elon! Beam me back! The bread here is dry and nobody understands corporate synergy!
(Shaking his head, totally frustrated)
Wow. Total lack of flexibility. No vision. You’re letting the corrupt Sanhedrin run the ratings war. You’ve got no marketing strategy, Jesus! If you don't take the deal, you're going to fold! Elon! Beam me back! The bread here is dry and nobody understands corporate synergy!
(A blue light flashes again, engulfing Trump as he vanishes out of thin air.)
TRUMP
(O.S. as he fades)
YOUR DISCIPLES ARE LOW ENERGY! CALL ME WHEN YOU WANT TO FRANCHISE THE GOSPEL!
(O.S. as he fades)
YOUR DISCIPLES ARE LOW ENERGY! CALL ME WHEN YOU WANT TO FRANCHISE THE GOSPEL!
JESUS
(A long silence fills the room. Jesus calmly picks the bread back up and looks at the disciples.)
Anyway... as I was saying. Verily, I say unto you...
(A long silence fills the room. Jesus calmly picks the bread back up and looks at the disciples.)
Anyway... as I was saying. Verily, I say unto you...
[SCENE END]
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