Trump suddenly unable to praise himself
I asked the Google search bar:
write a funny script about Donald Trump suddenly unable to praise himself
Here's the response:
Donald Trump experiences a sudden psychological glitch that prevents him from complimenting himself, leading to a disastrously honest press briefing where he accidentally reveals the truth about his popularity, his golf game, and his administration.
TITLE: THE UN-SPEECH
SCENE START
INT. WHITE HOUSE PRESS BRIEFING ROOM - DAY
The room is packed with reporters. At the podium is DONALD TRUMP. He looks uncharacteristically nervous, tapping his fingers on the wood. He clears his throat and points at a reporter.
TRUMP
Yes, you. The very fake—wait.
Yes, you. The very fake—wait.
Trump blinks, confused. He looks at his notes.
TRUMP (CONT'D)
Okay, let’s start. Look, I’ve had a tremendous... well, I’ve had an okay first few years as President. Many people are saying it was alright.
Okay, let’s start. Look, I’ve had a tremendous... well, I’ve had an okay first few years as President. Many people are saying it was alright.
The press pool erupts into immediate whispering and murmurs of shock.
KAITLAN COLLINS (O.S.)
Mr. President, did you just say "okay"?
Mr. President, did you just say "okay"?
TRUMP
Quiet, Kaitlan. I’m speaking. And let me tell you, I’ve done things—some things—that have been described as mildly satisfactory by very fine people. Very standard people. No one does basic adequacy like I do.
Quiet, Kaitlan. I’m speaking. And let me tell you, I’ve done things—some things—that have been described as mildly satisfactory by very fine people. Very standard people. No one does basic adequacy like I do.
Trump clutches his chest, wincing, as if physically fighting a reflex.
TRUMP (CONT'D)
We’ve achieved... something. I mean, nobody knows the system better than me, which is why I’ve only broken the laws of economics a very normal amount. We have the best, the finest, perfectly acceptable numbers.
We’ve achieved... something. I mean, nobody knows the system better than me, which is why I’ve only broken the laws of economics a very normal amount. We have the best, the finest, perfectly acceptable numbers.
He leans into the microphone, his face tightening in a visible struggle.
TRUMP (CONT'D)
Tremendous numbers. Oh, god. I feel sick.
Tremendous numbers. Oh, god. I feel sick.
AIDE (O.S.)
Sir, do you need some water?
Sir, do you need some water?
TRUMP
No! I don’t need water. I’m incredibly hydrated. My hydration... it’s average. It’s totally standard! Listen, I am a really smart guy who has made a series of mediocre choices at best.
No! I don’t need water. I’m incredibly hydrated. My hydration... it’s average. It’s totally standard! Listen, I am a really smart guy who has made a series of mediocre choices at best.
The reporters are furiously typing, flashes going off.
TRUMP (CONT'D)
And the G7 meeting? People say I looked... there. I was physically present at the meeting. And I was... no! I can't do it!
And the G7 meeting? People say I looked... there. I was physically present at the meeting. And I was... no! I can't do it!
Trump violently spins around, his arms flailing, addressing the Presidential Seal on the podium.
TRUMP (CONT'D)
What is happening to me? I want to say I’m a beautiful genius! I want to say I have the best words! But the words are coming out... true. The truth is bad!
What is happening to me? I want to say I’m a beautiful genius! I want to say I have the best words! But the words are coming out... true. The truth is bad!
PETER DOOCY (O.S.)
Mr. President, are you admitting your policies are failing?
Mr. President, are you admitting your policies are failing?
TRUMP
(Snaps back to the press)
I’m admitting nothing! Yesterday, I played golf. I had a hole-in-one. But legally, I did not. It was a quadruple bogey. I didn't mean to hit the sand trap, I did. I was terrible. I missed the putt. It was a sad putt.
(Snaps back to the press)
I’m admitting nothing! Yesterday, I played golf. I had a hole-in-one. But legally, I did not. It was a quadruple bogey. I didn't mean to hit the sand trap, I did. I was terrible. I missed the putt. It was a sad putt.
Trump grabs his own hair, frantically trying to pull himself together.
TRUMP (CONT'D)
Nobody has ever been less perfect than me. I am a very flawed individual who looks okay from certain angles in the right lighting, maybe from very far away.
Nobody has ever been less perfect than me. I am a very flawed individual who looks okay from certain angles in the right lighting, maybe from very far away.
He looks completely defeated. He slumps over the podium.
TRUMP (CONT'D)
I just... I can't even say my crowd sizes were the biggest. They were small. Very small, tiny little crowds. So sad.
I just... I can't even say my crowd sizes were the biggest. They were small. Very small, tiny little crowds. So sad.
The room erupts into a roaring chaos of shouted questions. Trump stares blankly into the camera, looking utterly horrified by his own unfiltered honesty.
TRUMP (CONT'D)
(Whispering into the mic)
Please. Just ask about the reflecting pool. It’s full of algae. I did that. I ruined it.
(Whispering into the mic)
Please. Just ask about the reflecting pool. It’s full of algae. I did that. I ruined it.
Trump slowly walks away from the podium, his shoulders sagging, as the Secret Service steps in.
SCENE END
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