Trump on Noah's Arc
I asked the Google search bar:
Write a scene where Elon Musk accidentally beams Trump onto Noah's Ark.
Write a scene where Elon Musk accidentally beams Trump onto Noah's Ark.
Here's the response:
SETTING:
The main deck of Noah’s Ark. The sky is pitching-black, rain is hammering down in absolute sheets, and the background is a deafening chorus of roaring lions, squawking birds, and trumpeting elephants.
The main deck of Noah’s Ark. The sky is pitching-black, rain is hammering down in absolute sheets, and the background is a deafening chorus of roaring lions, squawking birds, and trumpeting elephants.
CHARACTERS:
- NOAH: Ninety-something years old, sporting a massive, wet beard, wearing a drenched burlap tunic, and white-knuckling a wooden steering oar.
- DONALD TRUMP: Materializes in a blinding flash of blue quantum electricity. His suit is instantly soaked, his hair is immediately matted down, and he is holding a soggy printout of a spreadsheet.
[SCENE START]
NOAH
(Looking up at the sky, yelling over the thunder)
Great Elohim! Is this another sign? A man from the heavens dressed in the garments of a strange merchant?
(Looking up at the sky, yelling over the thunder)
Great Elohim! Is this another sign? A man from the heavens dressed in the garments of a strange merchant?
(Trump coughs, wipes rainwater from his eyes, and looks around in absolute disgust at the wet wood and animal droppings.)
TRUMP
(Screaming over the roar of a nearby hippo)
Elon! What is this? This isn't Mar-a-Lago! This is a boat! A very wet, very smelly boat! The smell is unbelievable, frankly. Terrible ventilation. Total disaster!
(Screaming over the roar of a nearby hippo)
Elon! What is this? This isn't Mar-a-Lago! This is a boat! A very wet, very smelly boat! The smell is unbelievable, frankly. Terrible ventilation. Total disaster!
NOAH
(Stepping back, holding up a wooden staff)
Stranger! You stand aboard the Ark of the Covenant’s promise! The world below is swallowed by the deep! Who art thou?
(Stepping back, holding up a wooden staff)
Stranger! You stand aboard the Ark of the Covenant’s promise! The world below is swallowed by the deep! Who art thou?
TRUMP
(Adjusting his completely soaked red tie)
Who am I? I’m Donald Trump, okay? And I’ve seen some bad real estate, but this? This is a floating zoo. No engineering standards. Look at the pitch on these hull planks—gopher wood? Cheap. Very low quality. I build yachts, Noah—can I call you Noah? Beautiful yachts with Italian marble and infinity pools. This is just a giant crate.
(Adjusting his completely soaked red tie)
Who am I? I’m Donald Trump, okay? And I’ve seen some bad real estate, but this? This is a floating zoo. No engineering standards. Look at the pitch on these hull planks—gopher wood? Cheap. Very low quality. I build yachts, Noah—can I call you Noah? Beautiful yachts with Italian marble and infinity pools. This is just a giant crate.
NOAH
(Blinking through the rain)
The Lord gave me the dimensions! Three hundred cubits long, fifty cubits wide! It is a perfect vessel!
(Blinking through the rain)
The Lord gave me the dimensions! Three hundred cubits long, fifty cubits wide! It is a perfect vessel!
TRUMP
(Waving his hands dynamically)
Fake dimensions! Whoever gave you those blueprints was taking you for a ride, Noah. Total rip-off. You’ve got zero passenger capacity. Where are the suites? Where is the buffet? And your occupancy strategy? Two of every animal? Clean and unclean? It’s a terrible business model. High overhead, zero ticket sales.
(Waving his hands dynamically)
Fake dimensions! Whoever gave you those blueprints was taking you for a ride, Noah. Total rip-off. You’ve got zero passenger capacity. Where are the suites? Where is the buffet? And your occupancy strategy? Two of every animal? Clean and unclean? It’s a terrible business model. High overhead, zero ticket sales.
NOAH
(Defensively, dodging a flying wet bird)
It is to preserve the breath of life! The beasts are my passengers, not paying guests!
(Defensively, dodging a flying wet bird)
It is to preserve the breath of life! The beasts are my passengers, not paying guests!
TRUMP
(Leaning in, shouting over a roaring tiger)
And that’s why you’re failing! You have total exclusivity on global transit right now. The only boat in the world! You could be charging millions per cabin. I look at your roster—you’ve got two hyenas, two skunks, and zero high-net-worth individuals. Terrible vetting. Total lack of management.
(Leaning in, shouting over a roaring tiger)
And that’s why you’re failing! You have total exclusivity on global transit right now. The only boat in the world! You could be charging millions per cabin. I look at your roster—you’ve got two hyenas, two skunks, and zero high-net-worth individuals. Terrible vetting. Total lack of management.
NOAH
(Struggling with the oar as the ship rocks)
The wicked have perished! There are no men of gold left to buy passage!
(Struggling with the oar as the ship rocks)
The wicked have perished! There are no men of gold left to buy passage!
TRUMP
(Pulls out a dripping, short-circuiting smartphone)
We launch a recovery plan. Immediate regime change on the water. I’ve got Elon on line one—well, no signal, the reception in the Bronze Age is disastrous. But when he fixes his rocket-teleporter, we’re going to rebrand. "Trump’s Ark." We’ll put a casino right next to the giraffes. Slot machines. We’ll slap a sixty-percent tariff on all incoming rain. Total economic blockade against the clouds until we get dry land and a golf course!
(Pulls out a dripping, short-circuiting smartphone)
We launch a recovery plan. Immediate regime change on the water. I’ve got Elon on line one—well, no signal, the reception in the Bronze Age is disastrous. But when he fixes his rocket-teleporter, we’re going to rebrand. "Trump’s Ark." We’ll put a casino right next to the giraffes. Slot machines. We’ll slap a sixty-percent tariff on all incoming rain. Total economic blockade against the clouds until we get dry land and a golf course!
NOAH
(Staring at Trump, completely bewildered)
You wish to tariff the wrath of the Almighty?
(Staring at Trump, completely bewildered)
You wish to tariff the wrath of the Almighty?
TRUMP
(Smirking, shaking his head)
I’ve dealt with wrath before, Noah. Very hostile people. The media, the radical left seraphim, the deep cloud. We’ll build a wall around the deck to keep the mosquitoes out, and we’ll make the floodwaters pay for it!
(Smirking, shaking his head)
I’ve dealt with wrath before, Noah. Very hostile people. The media, the radical left seraphim, the deep cloud. We’ll build a wall around the deck to keep the mosquitoes out, and we’ll make the floodwaters pay for it!
(A sharp crack of blue electricity suddenly zaps around Trump’s feet again. The quantum teleporter begins to hum.)
TRUMP
(Sinking into the blue light, pointing a finger at Noah)
Fix the smell, Noah! Fire the rhinos! They’re low energy! Call me when you’re ready to franchise the cruise line!
(Sinking into the blue light, pointing a finger at Noah)
Fix the smell, Noah! Fire the rhinos! They’re low energy! Call me when you’re ready to franchise the cruise line!
(With a loud BOOM, Trump vanishes into thin air, leaving only a small puddle of Diet Coke on the wet deck.)
NOAH
(Stares at the empty spot for a long moment, then looks up at the sky)
...Lord, please tell me that creature is not entering the new world.
(Stares at the empty spot for a long moment, then looks up at the sky)
...Lord, please tell me that creature is not entering the new world.
[SCENE END]
Comments