Trump offers the Devil a temptation
I asked the Google search bar:
Write a funny script about the Devil returning to Trump because Trump wants to offer a deal. He wants to offer the mortal souls of Congressional Republicans, and offers to demonstrate ones he owns.
Here's the responsee:
SCENE START
INT. MAR-A-LAGO BALLROOM - NIGHT
The room is dark. Gold-plated chandeliers flicker violently. Suddenly, a massive crack of thunder rattles the crystal glass. A plume of thick, sulfurous black smoke erupts in the center of the dance floor.
The DEVIL steps out of the smoke. No disguise. Seven feet tall, crimson skin, massive ram horns, and a tail that is currently twitching with deep irritation.
DONALD TRUMP sits at a small gilded desk in the corner, eating a well-done steak with ketchup. He doesn’t look up.
TRUMP
(Chewing)
You’re late, Lou. Very late. The smoke? A bit much. We have a smoke detector system here, top of the line, very expensive. But come in, sit down.
(Chewing)
You’re late, Lou. Very late. The smoke? A bit much. We have a smoke detector system here, top of the line, very expensive. But come in, sit down.
The Devil stomps over, his cloven hooves burning small black circles into the pristine carpet. He slams his fists on the desk.
DEVIL
Donald. You summoned me through a portal hidden in a bucket of fried chicken. This had better be the most wicked, deceptive scheme in human history, or I will drag you to the ninth circle right now.
Donald. You summoned me through a portal hidden in a bucket of fried chicken. This had better be the most wicked, deceptive scheme in human history, or I will drag you to the ninth circle right now.
TRUMP
(Wiping his mouth with a napkin)
Relax, relax. Take a breath. You look stressed. The red skin? Very inflamed. You need a moisturizer. Look, I called you because I want to make a deal. A huge deal. The biggest transaction in the history of the afterlife.
(Wiping his mouth with a napkin)
Relax, relax. Take a breath. You look stressed. The red skin? Very inflamed. You need a moisturizer. Look, I called you because I want to make a deal. A huge deal. The biggest transaction in the history of the afterlife.
DEVIL
(Narrowing his glowing purple eyes)
I don’t do deals with you anymore. Last time, you convinced me to buy a timeshare in hell that I already owned.
(Narrowing his glowing purple eyes)
I don’t do deals with you anymore. Last time, you convinced me to buy a timeshare in hell that I already owned.
TRUMP
And it was a great property, fantastic views of the lake of fire. But this is different. I’m prepared to offer you the mortal souls of the entire Congressional Republican caucus.
And it was a great property, fantastic views of the lake of fire. But this is different. I’m prepared to offer you the mortal souls of the entire Congressional Republican caucus.
The Devil freezes. His tail stops twitching. He leans in close.
DEVIL
(In a low whisper)
All of them? The House and the Senate?
(In a low whisper)
All of them? The House and the Senate?
TRUMP
Every single one. Total package. Hundreds of souls. Very pliable. Very low mileage, frankly, because they haven’t been used for anything moral in years.
Every single one. Total package. Hundreds of souls. Very pliable. Very low mileage, frankly, because they haven’t been used for anything moral in years.
DEVIL
(Stroking his chin)
That... is a monumental harvest of corruption. But how do I know you actually own them? You’re a mortal. Souls are currency of the spirit. You can't just trade them like baseball cards.
(Stroking his chin)
That... is a monumental harvest of corruption. But how do I know you actually own them? You’re a mortal. Souls are currency of the spirit. You can't just trade them like baseball cards.
TRUMP
Oh, I own them, Lou. Total ownership. Look, I’ll prove it to you. I’ll do a live demonstration right now.
Oh, I own them, Lou. Total ownership. Look, I’ll prove it to you. I’ll do a live demonstration right now.
Trump pulls a gold-plated smartphone from his pocket. He taps the screen.
TRUMP (CONT'D)
Let’s start with a senator. Very prominent guy. Big chin, talks a lot about the constitution. Watch this.
Let’s start with a senator. Very prominent guy. Big chin, talks a lot about the constitution. Watch this.
Trump quickly types out a tweet on his phone: "Senator McConnell is a total lightweight. Very weak on border security. Sad!"
Trump presses send. He looks at his watch.
TRUMP (CONT'D)
Five... four... three... two...
Five... four... three... two...
The doors to the ballroom burst open. SENATOR MITCH MCCONNELL crawls inside on his hands and knees. He looks utterly terrified but is smiling a forced, robotic smile.
MITCH
Mr. President! I just wanted to say... your tweet was incredibly accurate. I am a lightweight. Thank you for the correction. May I shine your golf shoes?
Mr. President! I just wanted to say... your tweet was incredibly accurate. I am a lightweight. Thank you for the correction. May I shine your golf shoes?
Trump waves a dismissive hand.
TRUMP
Not now, Mitch. Go practice your press conference freeze. We’re doing a meeting.
Not now, Mitch. Go practice your press conference freeze. We’re doing a meeting.
Mitch nods quickly and scurries backward out of the room, closing the doors behind him. The Devil stares at the door, completely stunned.
DEVIL
By the abyss... that was instant. No blood contract? No demonic possession?
By the abyss... that was instant. No blood contract? No demonic possession?
TRUMP
None. Pure leverage. Now watch this, this one is even better. This is a House member.
None. Pure leverage. Now watch this, this one is even better. This is a House member.
Trump types another message: "I am thinking about endorsing a completely random guy named Greg who works at a bait shop in Georgia instead of the current representative."
Trump presses send.
Instantly, REPRESENTATIVE MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE crashes through a stained-glass window, rolling across the floor, covered in camo gear and holding a megaphone.
MARJORIE
(Screaming into the megaphone)
THE BAIT SHOP IS A DEEP STATE CONSPIRACY! I LOVE YOU DONALD! SPACE LASERS ARE REAL!
(Screaming into the megaphone)
THE BAIT SHOP IS A DEEP STATE CONSPIRACY! I LOVE YOU DONALD! SPACE LASERS ARE REAL!
TRUMP
(Sighing)
Marjorie, please. We have guests. Go wait in the hallway.
(Sighing)
Marjorie, please. We have guests. Go wait in the hallway.
Marjorie salutes aggressively and climbs out of the broken window backward.
The Devil looks from the window to Trump. A drop of sweat rolls down the Devil's massive horn.
DEVIL
This is... terrifying. Even I have to give them a dream or a curse before they surrender to me. You just type words into a little glass box and they discard their dignity like old rags.
This is... terrifying. Even I have to give them a dream or a curse before they surrender to me. You just type words into a little glass box and they discard their dignity like old rags.
TRUMP
Exactly. It's a turn-key operation, Lou. I give you the caucus, you give me what I want.
Exactly. It's a turn-key operation, Lou. I give you the caucus, you give me what I want.
DEVIL
And what is it that you want, Donald? Immortality? Absolute rule over the mortal realm?
And what is it that you want, Donald? Immortality? Absolute rule over the mortal realm?
TRUMP
No, much bigger. I want a 100% tax exemption on all my properties in eternity, a golden golf cart that flies, and I want you to change the sign at the entrance of Hell to 'Trump’s Inferno.' It’s a much stronger name.
No, much bigger. I want a 100% tax exemption on all my properties in eternity, a golden golf cart that flies, and I want you to change the sign at the entrance of Hell to 'Trump’s Inferno.' It’s a much stronger name.
The Devil stares at Trump, realizing he is completely outmatched in the art of the shameless deal. He slowly extends a flaming, clawed hand.
DEVIL
You have a deal.
You have a deal.
TRUMP
(Shaking the flaming hand, unbothered)
Tremendous. Let's get the paperwork started. But use a nice font, Lou. None of that gothic garbage.
(Shaking the flaming hand, unbothered)
Tremendous. Let's get the paperwork started. But use a nice font, Lou. None of that gothic garbage.
SCENE END
If you liked that, try the following variation:
Write a funny script about the Devil returning to Trump because Trump wants to offer a deal. He wants to offer the mortal souls of Congressional Republicans, and offers to demonstrate which ones he owns by their votes on an issue.
Here's the response:
SCENE START
INT. MAR-A-LAGO DINING ROOM - NIGHT
A massive crack of thunder rattles the gold-plated chandeliers. A thick cloud of sulfurous black smoke erupts directly over a seafood buffet.
The DEVIL steps out, completely undisguised—seven feet tall, crimson skin, massive ram horns, and a tail twitching with immense irritation.
DONALD TRUMP sits at the head of a long table, eating a well-done steak with ketchup. C-SPAN plays silently on a massive flat-screen TV in the background.
TRUMP
(Chewing, waving a hand)
Lou! You’re late. The smoke? Frankly, it’s ruining the shrimp cocktail. Terrible presentation. But sit down, sit down. We have a lot to discuss.
(Chewing, waving a hand)
Lou! You’re late. The smoke? Frankly, it’s ruining the shrimp cocktail. Terrible presentation. But sit down, sit down. We have a lot to discuss.
The Devil stomps over, his cloven hooves melting small circles into the carpet. He slams his clawed fists on the table.
DEVIL
Donald. You summoned me via a pentagram drawn in yellow mustard on a burger wrapper. I am the Lord of the Pit. I do not have time for your games. What do you want?
Donald. You summoned me via a pentagram drawn in yellow mustard on a burger wrapper. I am the Lord of the Pit. I do not have time for your games. What do you want?
TRUMP
I want to make a deal. A massive deal. The biggest transaction in the history of the afterlife. I am prepared to transfer to you the total, absolute ownership of the mortal souls of the entire Congressional Republican caucus.
I want to make a deal. A massive deal. The biggest transaction in the history of the afterlife. I am prepared to transfer to you the total, absolute ownership of the mortal souls of the entire Congressional Republican caucus.
The Devil pauses. His tail stops twitching. He narrows his glowing purple eyes.
DEVIL
The entire caucus? House and Senate? Donald, even I know you can’t just trade human souls like corporate stock. You have to earn them through temptation, sin, and blood pacts. How do I know you actually own them?
The entire caucus? House and Senate? Donald, even I know you can’t just trade human souls like corporate stock. You have to earn them through temptation, sin, and blood pacts. How do I know you actually own them?
TRUMP
(Smirking, pointing at the TV)
Oh, I own them, Lou. Lock, stock, and barrel. Look at the TV. Right now, live on C-SPAN, they are about to vote on a major bill. A massive piece of legislation. It’s the ‘Save the Puppies and Lower Everyone’s Taxes Act.’ Total slam dunk. Beautiful bill. Everybody loves it.
(Smirking, pointing at the TV)
Oh, I own them, Lou. Lock, stock, and barrel. Look at the TV. Right now, live on C-SPAN, they are about to vote on a major bill. A massive piece of legislation. It’s the ‘Save the Puppies and Lower Everyone’s Taxes Act.’ Total slam dunk. Beautiful bill. Everybody loves it.
DEVIL
Okay? And?
Okay? And?
TRUMP
And I’m going to make them vote against it. All of them. Just to show you who runs the show.
And I’m going to make them vote against it. All of them. Just to show you who runs the show.
The Devil looks at the TV, then back to Trump, highly skeptical.
DEVIL
They wouldn't. Voting against lower taxes and puppies is political suicide. Even for humans, there is a line.
They wouldn't. Voting against lower taxes and puppies is political suicide. Even for humans, there is a line.
TRUMP
Watch this.
Watch this.
Trump pulls out a gold-plated smartphone. He opens Truth Social and begins typing with his thumbs, reading aloud in a raspy whisper.
TRUMP (CONT'D)
"The highly overrated Puppy Bill is a total disaster! Invented by the Radical Left and the Deep State. If you vote for it, you are weak, you are a loser, and you will be primaried by a very strong, very loyal guy named Chuck who owns a jet ski rental in Florida. Disgraceful!"
"The highly overrated Puppy Bill is a total disaster! Invented by the Radical Left and the Deep State. If you vote for it, you are weak, you are a loser, and you will be primaried by a very strong, very loyal guy named Chuck who owns a jet ski rental in Florida. Disgraceful!"
Trump presses "Post." He looks at his watch.
TRUMP (CONT'D)
Five... four... three... two...
Five... four... three... two...
On the TV screen, the C-SPAN electronic voting board lights up. Instantly, a cascade of green "YEA" votes from the Republican side begins flipping to bright red "NAY" votes.
The Devil leans forward, his jaw dropping, revealing four rows of razor-sharp teeth.
DEVIL
By the abyss... look at the board. They’re changing their votes mid-count!
By the abyss... look at the board. They’re changing their votes mid-count!
TRUMP
(Nodding, taking a sip of Diet Coke)
Look at the Senator from Kentucky. Look at his face. He looks like he’s passing a stone, but he’s hitting the red button. He has to. I own the button, Lou.
(Nodding, taking a sip of Diet Coke)
Look at the Senator from Kentucky. Look at his face. He looks like he’s passing a stone, but he’s hitting the red button. He has to. I own the button, Lou.
On screen, a prominent Republican Senator is shown weeping openly into a handkerchief while violently slamming his hand down on the "NAY" button.
DEVIL
(Stunned, wiping a drop of sweat from his horn)
This is... hypnotic. I have spent millennia whispering dark desires into the ears of kings, offering them empires just to get a single betrayal. You just type words into a little glass box and they completely discard their own platform in forty-five seconds.
(Stunned, wiping a drop of sweat from his horn)
This is... hypnotic. I have spent millennia whispering dark desires into the ears of kings, offering them empires just to get a single betrayal. You just type words into a little glass box and they completely discard their own platform in forty-five seconds.
TRUMP
It’s called leverage, Lou. No blood contracts required. It's a turn-key operation. Hundreds of souls, ready for delivery.
It’s called leverage, Lou. No blood contracts required. It's a turn-key operation. Hundreds of souls, ready for delivery.
DEVIL
(Gulping, totally outmatched)
And... what is your price for this harvest? Absolute power over the mortal realm? Eternal youth?
(Gulping, totally outmatched)
And... what is your price for this harvest? Absolute power over the mortal realm? Eternal youth?
TRUMP
No, much better. I want a 100% tax exemption on all my future real estate developments in Hell. I want a golden golf cart that flies over the lake of fire. And I want the sign at the front gates changed to 'Trump’s Inferno.' It’s a much stronger brand. Dante had no vision.
No, much better. I want a 100% tax exemption on all my future real estate developments in Hell. I want a golden golf cart that flies over the lake of fire. And I want the sign at the front gates changed to 'Trump’s Inferno.' It’s a much stronger brand. Dante had no vision.
The Devil stares at Trump, realizing he is dealing with a level of shamelessness that even the underworld has never witnessed. Slowly, he extends a flaming, clawed hand.
DEVIL
...You have a deal, Donald.
...You have a deal, Donald.
TRUMP
(Shaking the flaming hand, completely unbothered)
Tremendous. Let's get the lawyers on it. But no small print, Lou. I hate small print.
(Shaking the flaming hand, completely unbothered)
Tremendous. Let's get the lawyers on it. But no small print, Lou. I hate small print.
SCENE END
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