Trump meets the Devil disguised as Putin once more
I asked the Google search bar:
Write a funny script about Donald Trump after meeting the Devil disguised as Tucker Carlson. He's meeting the Devil disguised as Putin once more.
Here's the response:
[SCENE START]
INT. MAR-A-LAGO - PRIVATE DINING ROOM - NIGHT
A massive crystal chandelier hangs over a long mahogany table. DONALD TRUMP sits at the head, aggressively shaking a bottle of ketchup over a well-done ribeye steak.
Sitting across from him is VLADIMIR PUTIN—or at least, a perfect physical copy of him. He is wearing a crisp black suit, sitting with exaggerated, rigid posture.
This is the DEVIL. Again.
TRUMP
(Without looking up)
Vlad! Great to see you. Fantastic guy. You look a little shorter than last time. Did you shrink? Terrible what the stress does to a dictator. Very low energy posture today, Vlad.
(Without looking up)
Vlad! Great to see you. Fantastic guy. You look a little shorter than last time. Did you shrink? Terrible what the stress does to a dictator. Very low energy posture today, Vlad.
THE DEVIL / PUTIN
(In a deep, gravelly Russian accent)
Donald. I have come from Moscow. I hear you had bad week. Relieved of office. Hurt by the fake news on CNN. Sad.
(In a deep, gravelly Russian accent)
Donald. I have come from Moscow. I hear you had bad week. Relieved of office. Hurt by the fake news on CNN. Sad.
TRUMP
(Waving a fork)
Wrong. Fake news! I wasn't relieved, I emancipated myself. It’s a beautiful word, emancipated. Like Lincoln, but with better hair. And CNN? Their ratings are dead. Destitution. They’re broadcasting to three guys in an airport lounge.
(Waving a fork)
Wrong. Fake news! I wasn't relieved, I emancipated myself. It’s a beautiful word, emancipated. Like Lincoln, but with better hair. And CNN? Their ratings are dead. Destitution. They’re broadcasting to three guys in an airport lounge.
THE DEVIL / PUTIN
(Leaning forward, eyes narrowing)
Yes... but you want power back. Real power. Not just votes, Donald. Total control. I can give you the world. We can rule together. I just need you to sign a small treaty.
(Leaning forward, eyes narrowing)
Yes... but you want power back. Real power. Not just votes, Donald. Total control. I can give you the world. We can rule together. I just need you to sign a small treaty.
The Devil slides a heavy, ancient parchment across the table. It is bound in iron hoops and smells intensely of burning tires.
TRUMP
(Squinting at the parchment)
You know, Vlad, I love a good treaty. I made the best treaties. But this look? The iron? It’s very outdated. Very 1980s Soviet. And by the way...
(Squinting at the parchment)
You know, Vlad, I love a good treaty. I made the best treaties. But this look? The iron? It’s very outdated. Very 1980s Soviet. And by the way...
Trump stops, leans across the table, and looks directly into "Putin’s" eyes.
TRUMP (CONT'D)
Your Tucker Carlson impression on Tuesday was much better. The hair was good. The confused face? Tremendous. But today, the accent is a total disaster. You sound like Dracula after a bad night at Dracula's castle.
Your Tucker Carlson impression on Tuesday was much better. The hair was good. The confused face? Tremendous. But today, the accent is a total disaster. You sound like Dracula after a bad night at Dracula's castle.
The Devil freezes. The Russian accent completely drops, replaced by a frustrated, echoing hiss.
THE DEVIL / PUTIN
How do you keep doing this?! I am the Prince of Darkness! I am wearing the visage of your favorite global strongman!
How do you keep doing this?! I am the Prince of Darkness! I am wearing the visage of your favorite global strongman!
TRUMP
(Chuckling, taking a sip of Diet Coke)
Lou! It’s Lou again, folks. Look at him. Let me tell you something, Lou. The real Vlad would never ask me to sign a treaty written on a burnt grocery bag. He’d bring me a beautiful lacquer box. Real gold leaf. From Siberia. Very expensive. You’re cheaping out on the props, Lou. It’s bad for your brand.
(Chuckling, taking a sip of Diet Coke)
Lou! It’s Lou again, folks. Look at him. Let me tell you something, Lou. The real Vlad would never ask me to sign a treaty written on a burnt grocery bag. He’d bring me a beautiful lacquer box. Real gold leaf. From Siberia. Very expensive. You’re cheaping out on the props, Lou. It’s bad for your brand.
THE DEVIL / PUTIN
(Slamming his hand on the table)
I am offering you the souls of all your enemies! I can make the anchors at CNN weep tears of boiling blood on live television! Why do you care about the box?!
(Slamming his hand on the table)
I am offering you the souls of all your enemies! I can make the anchors at CNN weep tears of boiling blood on live television! Why do you care about the box?!
TRUMP
Because presentation is everything! You don’t get to be a billionaire without presentation. Look at your Underworld. You came to me on Tuesday as Tucker, today as Vlad. You're obsessed with me, Lou. Everyone is saying it. The Devil is a total Trump fanboy.
Because presentation is everything! You don’t get to be a billionaire without presentation. Look at your Underworld. You came to me on Tuesday as Tucker, today as Vlad. You're obsessed with me, Lou. Everyone is saying it. The Devil is a total Trump fanboy.
THE DEVIL / PUTIN
I am not a fanboy! I am trying to claim your mortal essence for the eternal pits of despair!
I am not a fanboy! I am trying to claim your mortal essence for the eternal pits of despair!
TRUMP
Well, the pits are a total disaster area. Very poorly rated on TripAdvisor. People are saying the service is terrible. If you want my essence, you’re going to have to give me a 99-year lease on the Lake of Fire. We’re going to build luxury condos. "Trump Tar-Pits." The heat is fantastic for arthritis. Seniors will love it.
Well, the pits are a total disaster area. Very poorly rated on TripAdvisor. People are saying the service is terrible. If you want my essence, you’re going to have to give me a 99-year lease on the Lake of Fire. We’re going to build luxury condos. "Trump Tar-Pits." The heat is fantastic for arthritis. Seniors will love it.
The Devil stares at Trump, his Putin face visibly twitching with absolute exasperation. He slowly pulls the parchment back into his jacket.
THE DEVIL / PUTIN
You are entirely un-temptable. Your ego is an impenetrable fortress of absolute nonsense.
You are entirely un-temptable. Your ego is an impenetrable fortress of absolute nonsense.
TRUMP
Thank you, darling. Beautiful compliment. Now, lose the Russian suit. It makes you look like a middle-manager at a fake-news network.
Thank you, darling. Beautiful compliment. Now, lose the Russian suit. It makes you look like a middle-manager at a fake-news network.
The Devil sighs heavily, snaps his fingers, and vanishes in a small, pathetic puff of grey smoke that smells faintly of sulfur and overcooked meat.
TRUMP (CONT'D)
(Shouting to the empty room)
And tell your people to fix the smoke machine! Very low output! SAD!
(Shouting to the empty room)
And tell your people to fix the smoke machine! Very low output! SAD!
Trump casually cuts another piece of his steak and dips it in ketchup.
[SCENE END]
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