Trump declares an end to humor
I asked the Google search bar:
Write a funny script about Donald Trump declaring an end to humor.
Here's the response:
TITLE: THE FINAL PUNCHLINE
CHARACTERS:
- DONALD TRUMP: The 45th and 47th President. Speaks in superlatives, circular sentences, and lots of hand gestures.
- SECRET SERVICE AGENT: Professional, deadpan, and exhausted.
[SCENE START]
INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - DAY
DONALD TRUMP sits behind the Resolute Desk. He looks directly into a camera set up on the desk, not at a crowd. He gestures enthusiastically, pointing directly at the lens.
TRUMP
Many people are saying, and it’s true, it’s absolutely true, that we are living in a time of great comedy. The greatest comedy! People come up to me, big comedians, strong comedians, crying, and they say, "Sir, nobody has better timing than you. Nobody." And frankly? I agree. We’ve had a lot of yucks. A lot of great laughs.
Many people are saying, and it’s true, it’s absolutely true, that we are living in a time of great comedy. The greatest comedy! People come up to me, big comedians, strong comedians, crying, and they say, "Sir, nobody has better timing than you. Nobody." And frankly? I agree. We’ve had a lot of yucks. A lot of great laughs.
He pauses, dropping his voice to a serious, conspiratorial whisper.
TRUMP (CONT'D)
But the jokes, folks—some of them, frankly, very nasty jokes about me—are out of control. The comedians, the late night, the lying media... they use humor. They use it as a weapon. And it’s not fair. Nobody uses weapons better than me. Nobody. So today, effective immediately, we are signing an Executive Order. A beautiful, perfect Executive Order to declare a total and complete end to humor. Gone. Finished.
But the jokes, folks—some of them, frankly, very nasty jokes about me—are out of control. The comedians, the late night, the lying media... they use humor. They use it as a weapon. And it’s not fair. Nobody uses weapons better than me. Nobody. So today, effective immediately, we are signing an Executive Order. A beautiful, perfect Executive Order to declare a total and complete end to humor. Gone. Finished.
He mimes a pair of scissors cutting a ribbon, or chopping something in the air.
TRUMP (CONT'D)
From now on, no more jokes. Zero jokes. No punchlines. If you hear a punchline, you have to report it. You report it immediately to the Department of Solemnity. We have some tremendous people running it, the best in the world. It’s going to be very serious. America was built on seriousness! George Washington, Abraham Lincoln... did they tell jokes? No! They were very grim people. They did great things.
From now on, no more jokes. Zero jokes. No punchlines. If you hear a punchline, you have to report it. You report it immediately to the Department of Solemnity. We have some tremendous people running it, the best in the world. It’s going to be very serious. America was built on seriousness! George Washington, Abraham Lincoln... did they tell jokes? No! They were very grim people. They did great things.
He leans back, adjusting his red tie and pointing a finger at the sky.
TRUMP (CONT'D)
From this moment forward, 2π is canceled. Because π sounds like pie, and pie is too funny. We are replacing it with a new, strictly triangular number. A very serious number. The comedy is over.
From this moment forward, 2π is canceled. Because π sounds like pie, and pie is too funny. We are replacing it with a new, strictly triangular number. A very serious number. The comedy is over.
Trump looks to the side of the room. A SECRET SERVICE AGENT steps into the frame, holding a clipboard.
SECRET SERVICE AGENT
Mr. President, the press is asking if this includes satire, or if "knock-knock" jokes will be considered an act of treason.
Mr. President, the press is asking if this includes satire, or if "knock-knock" jokes will be considered an act of treason.
TRUMP
It includes all of it! Knock-knock is the worst. Who are they knocking for? Nobody is there. The police should be called on anyone who knocks on a door and doesn’t have an appointment.
It includes all of it! Knock-knock is the worst. Who are they knocking for? Nobody is there. The police should be called on anyone who knocks on a door and doesn’t have an appointment.
SECRET SERVICE AGENT
Understood, sir. I’ll make sure the comedy police are deployed.
Understood, sir. I’ll make sure the comedy police are deployed.
TRUMP
Good. Very good. And frankly, people are going to be much happier. No more laughing. Just smiling, very broad, very tremendous smiles. But not in a funny way.
Good. Very good. And frankly, people are going to be much happier. No more laughing. Just smiling, very broad, very tremendous smiles. But not in a funny way.
Trump stares intently at the camera for five seconds of dead silence, holding a rigid, awkward, and unblinking gaze.
[SCENE END]
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