Trump at the pearly gates
I asked the Google search bar:
write a funny script about Donald Trump being rejected at the pearly gates. Trump threatens sanctions, tariffs on financial prayer fulfillment, and hints at regime change.
Here's the response:
SETTING:
The Pearly Gates. Radiant white clouds, shimmering gold doors, and a sleek, minimalist welcome desk.
The Pearly Gates. Radiant white clouds, shimmering gold doors, and a sleek, minimalist welcome desk.
CHARACTERS:
- ST. PETER: Calm, bureaucratic, wearing a linen robe, holding a glowing digital tablet.
- DONALD TRUMP: Wearing his signature dark suit, an extra-long red tie, and waving his hands dynamically.
[SCENE START]
ST. PETER
(Taps the tablet, sighs)
Name: Donald J. Trump. Well, Mr. Trump, we’ve finished your evaluation. The committee looked at the golf cheating, the Twitter archives, and the total lack of humility. It’s a unanimous 'No.' You’re rejected.
(Taps the tablet, sighs)
Name: Donald J. Trump. Well, Mr. Trump, we’ve finished your evaluation. The committee looked at the golf cheating, the Twitter archives, and the total lack of humility. It’s a unanimous 'No.' You’re rejected.
TRUMP
(Stunned, arms crossed)
Rejected? By who? The fake angels committee? Look at this place, Peter. It’s a total disaster. Low ceiling height. No crown molding. The clouds? Low quality. I’ve built towers with much better humidity control than this.
(Stunned, arms crossed)
Rejected? By who? The fake angels committee? Look at this place, Peter. It’s a total disaster. Low ceiling height. No crown molding. The clouds? Low quality. I’ve built towers with much better humidity control than this.
ST. PETER
The decision is final, sir. You don't have the required grace credits. You need to take the escalator going down.
The decision is final, sir. You don't have the required grace credits. You need to take the escalator going down.
TRUMP
(Leaning forward, hands flat on the desk)
Listen to me, okay? Nobody has more grace than me. People come up to me with tears in their eyes and say, "Sir, you're the most graceful person we've ever seen." This is a rigged election. A total witch hunt by the radical left cherubim. And frankly, if I'm not allowed in, I am going to impose immediate, massive economic sanctions on Heaven.
(Leaning forward, hands flat on the desk)
Listen to me, okay? Nobody has more grace than me. People come up to me with tears in their eyes and say, "Sir, you're the most graceful person we've ever seen." This is a rigged election. A total witch hunt by the radical left cherubim. And frankly, if I'm not allowed in, I am going to impose immediate, massive economic sanctions on Heaven.
ST. PETER
(Blinks)
Sanctions? On the Kingdom of Heaven? We don't have an economy, Mr. Trump.
(Blinks)
Sanctions? On the Kingdom of Heaven? We don't have an economy, Mr. Trump.
TRUMP
Oh, you have an economy, Peter, and it’s failing. Total trade deficit with Earth. You’re exporting miracles for free and importing nothing but thoughts and prayers. Terrible currency. High inflation. Effective immediately, I’m putting a sixty-percent tariff on all financial prayer fulfillment.
Oh, you have an economy, Peter, and it’s failing. Total trade deficit with Earth. You’re exporting miracles for free and importing nothing but thoughts and prayers. Terrible currency. High inflation. Effective immediately, I’m putting a sixty-percent tariff on all financial prayer fulfillment.
ST. PETER
(Confused)
Financial prayer fulfillment?
(Confused)
Financial prayer fulfillment?
TRUMP
(Pointing a finger)
That's right. Anyone down there praying to win the lottery? Tariff. Praying for a promotion? Tariff. Praying for their stock portfolio to go up? We’re going to tax the blessing before it even hits the ground. A total economic blockade. No miracles get through until you give me a cloud-facing penthouse suite. A big one.
(Pointing a finger)
That's right. Anyone down there praying to win the lottery? Tariff. Praying for a promotion? Tariff. Praying for their stock portfolio to go up? We’re going to tax the blessing before it even hits the ground. A total economic blockade. No miracles get through until you give me a cloud-facing penthouse suite. A big one.
ST. PETER
(Tapping his tablet impatiently)
Mr. Trump, prayer is a sacred spiritual communion. You cannot tariff a divine blessing.
(Tapping his tablet impatiently)
Mr. Trump, prayer is a sacred spiritual communion. You cannot tariff a divine blessing.
TRUMP
(Smirking)
Watch me. I’ll do it so fast your halo will spin. And if you don't comply, let's just say there might be a very necessary, very beautiful regime change up here. Total takeover.
(Smirking)
Watch me. I’ll do it so fast your halo will spin. And if you don't comply, let's just say there might be a very necessary, very beautiful regime change up here. Total takeover.
ST. PETER
(Raises an eyebrow)
A regime change? Against the Almighty?
(Raises an eyebrow)
A regime change? Against the Almighty?
TRUMP
We’ll start with you, Peter. You’re weak. You’re low energy. I’ll put Gabriel in charge, or maybe Elon. Elon would streamline these gates, no more lines. We’ll bring in some very tough, very loyal archangels—I know a few, great guys, very strong—and we’re going to make Heaven great again.
We’ll start with you, Peter. You’re weak. You’re low energy. I’ll put Gabriel in charge, or maybe Elon. Elon would streamline these gates, no more lines. We’ll bring in some very tough, very loyal archangels—I know a few, great guys, very strong—and we’re going to make Heaven great again.
ST. PETER
(Pushes a large, glowing red button on his desk)
Your time is up, Donald. Enjoy the ride down.
(Pushes a large, glowing red button on his desk)
Your time is up, Donald. Enjoy the ride down.
TRUMP
(As the cloud beneath his feet suddenly zips open like a massive zipper)
This is a total deep-cloud conspiracy! You’ll see the ratings tank, Peter! Hell is going to buy you out!
(As the cloud beneath his feet suddenly zips open like a massive zipper)
This is a total deep-cloud conspiracy! You’ll see the ratings tank, Peter! Hell is going to buy you out!
(Trump drops straight through the floor, clutching his briefcase tightly as his voice fades into the distance.)
TRUMP
(O.S.)
I’LL BUILD A BEAUTIFUL CASINO DOWN THERE! AND I'LL MAKE THE DEMONS PAY FOR ITTTT—!
(O.S.)
I’LL BUILD A BEAUTIFUL CASINO DOWN THERE! AND I'LL MAKE THE DEMONS PAY FOR ITTTT—!
[SCENE END]
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