Netanyahu visits hell, mistakes it for Gaza
I asked the Google search bar:
make up a funny script about Netanyahu visiting hell and mistaking it for Gaza.
Here's the response:
TITLE: THE WRONG COORDINATES
CHARACTERS:
- BENJAMIN NETANYAHU: The Prime Minister. Confident, tactical, and completely oblivious to his spiritual surroundings.
- LUCIFER: The Prince of Darkness. Exhausted, wearing a sharp suit, and running a very stressed bureaucratic operation.
- RONEN: Netanyahu’s frantic diplomatic aide, holding a charred clipboard.
[SCENE START]
INT. THE FIRST CIRCLE OF HELL - TIMELESS
A bleak, fiery landscape. Columns of black smoke rise from rivers of boiling lava. The air is thick with sulfur, screams of the damned, and the smell of burning ash.
NETANYAHU stands in the center of a scorched plaza, adjusting his blue tie. He looks around through a pair of high-tech military binoculars. RONEN stands beside him, coughing violently into his sleeve.
NETANYAHU
(Nodding in approval)
Ronen, look at this. The IDF has done an incredible job. The demilitarization is total. Not a single rocket launcher in sight. The landscape is completely neutralized.
(Nodding in approval)
Ronen, look at this. The IDF has done an incredible job. The demilitarization is total. Not a single rocket launcher in sight. The landscape is completely neutralized.
RONEN
(Gasping for air, looking at the glowing red sky)
Uh... Prime Minister? I’m looking at the GPS, and the satellite signal dropped right around the time the earth opened up and swallowed our convoy. I don't think this is the Gaza Strip.
(Gasping for air, looking at the glowing red sky)
Uh... Prime Minister? I’m looking at the GPS, and the satellite signal dropped right around the time the earth opened up and swallowed our convoy. I don't think this is the Gaza Strip.
NETANYAHU
Nonsense, Ronen. Look at the rubble. Look at the smoke. The rubble looks exactly like our latest intelligence briefings. Granted, the infrastructure is even worse than I expected, but that's what happens when you don't accept our ceasefire terms.
Nonsense, Ronen. Look at the rubble. Look at the smoke. The rubble looks exactly like our latest intelligence briefings. Granted, the infrastructure is even worse than I expected, but that's what happens when you don't accept our ceasefire terms.
LUCIFER materializes out of a cloud of black ash, smoothing the lapels of his tailored suit. He looks incredibly annoyed.
LUCIFER
Excuse me. Who authorized this tour? This is a restricted zone of eternal torment.
Excuse me. Who authorized this tour? This is a restricted zone of eternal torment.
NETANYAHU
(Turning around, instantly putting on his diplomatic smile)
Ah! The local leadership. Excellent. Let me say right off the bat—your tunnels are completely gone. A magnificent achievement by our engineers. But I must protest the lack of humanitarian corridors. Even I think this level of heat is a bit excessive.
(Turning around, instantly putting on his diplomatic smile)
Ah! The local leadership. Excellent. Let me say right off the bat—your tunnels are completely gone. A magnificent achievement by our engineers. But I must protest the lack of humanitarian corridors. Even I think this level of heat is a bit excessive.
LUCIFER
(Blinking, completely confused)
Tunnels? Ceasefire? Mortal, you are standing in the lake of fire. I am Lucifer.
(Blinking, completely confused)
Tunnels? Ceasefire? Mortal, you are standing in the lake of fire. I am Lucifer.
NETANYAHU
(Waving his hand dismissively)
Yes, yes, I know the Hamas leadership changes names constantly. Lucifer, Yahya, whatever. Look, Mr. Secretary-General—or whatever your title is here—we need to talk about the reconstruction phase. I see you’ve managed to keep the population completely locked down. No one is leaving. Frankly, security-wise, it's impressive. How did you get the walls to be made of actual writhing souls?
(Waving his hand dismissively)
Yes, yes, I know the Hamas leadership changes names constantly. Lucifer, Yahya, whatever. Look, Mr. Secretary-General—or whatever your title is here—we need to talk about the reconstruction phase. I see you’ve managed to keep the population completely locked down. No one is leaving. Frankly, security-wise, it's impressive. How did you get the walls to be made of actual writhing souls?
RONEN
(Tugging Netanyahu's sleeve, terrified)
Sir! That man has literal horns protruding from his forehead! And the sky is raining actual blood!
(Tugging Netanyahu's sleeve, terrified)
Sir! That man has literal horns protruding from his forehead! And the sky is raining actual blood!
NETANYAHU
(Sotto voce to Ronen)
Ronen, please. Don't judge their cultural traditions. It's a tough neighborhood. (Turning back to Lucifer) Now, Lucifer, about the maritime port. We can allow some shipments of sulfur, but the boiling pitch needs to be strictly monitored for dual-use capabilities. We don't want you making weapons out of the agony of the damned.
(Sotto voce to Ronen)
Ronen, please. Don't judge their cultural traditions. It's a tough neighborhood. (Turning back to Lucifer) Now, Lucifer, about the maritime port. We can allow some shipments of sulfur, but the boiling pitch needs to be strictly monitored for dual-use capabilities. We don't want you making weapons out of the agony of the damned.
LUCIFER
(Rubbing his temples)
I don't build weapons! I punish politicians, lawyers, and people who don't return shopping carts! This is HELL! You died three minutes ago during a cabinet meeting!
(Rubbing his temples)
I don't build weapons! I punish politicians, lawyers, and people who don't return shopping carts! This is HELL! You died three minutes ago during a cabinet meeting!
NETANYAHU
(Pausing, looking at his watch)
Dead? Don't be ridiculous. My coalition numbers are incredibly stable. I have a mandate. (He looks around at a group of demons whipping a corrupt Roman emperor) Though I will say, your security forces are exceptionally motivated. No strikes, no protests. How do you handle the Supreme Court up here?
(Pausing, looking at his watch)
Dead? Don't be ridiculous. My coalition numbers are incredibly stable. I have a mandate. (He looks around at a group of demons whipping a corrupt Roman emperor) Though I will say, your security forces are exceptionally motivated. No strikes, no protests. How do you handle the Supreme Court up here?
LUCIFER
There is no Supreme Court here. My word is absolute, eternal law.
There is no Supreme Court here. My word is absolute, eternal law.
NETANYAHU
(Eyes lighting up, genuinely impressed)
No Supreme Court? None at all? No judicial review?
(Eyes lighting up, genuinely impressed)
No Supreme Court? None at all? No judicial review?
LUCIFER
None.
None.
NETANYAHU
(Turning to Ronen, whispered)
Ronen, take notes. This guy is a genius. We need to implement this framework immediately.
(Turning to Ronen, whispered)
Ronen, take notes. This guy is a genius. We need to implement this framework immediately.
RONEN
(Crying)
Sir, we can’t implement it! We are in the underworld!
(Crying)
Sir, we can’t implement it! We are in the underworld!
LUCIFER
(Snapping his fingers, causing a burst of flames)
Enough! Guards! Take the Prime Minister to his designated sector. Section 4: Endless Bureaucratic Filibusters with No Coffee.
(Snapping his fingers, causing a burst of flames)
Enough! Guards! Take the Prime Minister to his designated sector. Section 4: Endless Bureaucratic Filibusters with No Coffee.
Two massive, winged demons step forward, grabbing Netanyahu by the arms.
NETANYAHU
(Entirely unfazed, shouting as he's dragged away)
This is an unacceptable violation of our security arrangements! I will be speaking to the Americans about this! The status quo must be maintained! And tell your chef the catering down here is way too spicy!
(Entirely unfazed, shouting as he's dragged away)
This is an unacceptable violation of our security arrangements! I will be speaking to the Americans about this! The status quo must be maintained! And tell your chef the catering down here is way too spicy!
LUCIFER watches him go, then turns to Ronen.
LUCIFER
Is he always like this?
Is he always like this?
RONEN
(Sighing, handing over his clipboard)
You have no idea. Good luck with the coalition talks.
(Sighing, handing over his clipboard)
You have no idea. Good luck with the coalition talks.
[SCENE END]
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