Jesus wakes up, discovers what's done in his name
I asked the Google prompt:
write a funny script about Jesus waking up from 2000 years of sleep, and what he discovers being done in his name
Here's the response:
Jesus wakes up from a 2,000-year nap, stretches, and checks out the modern world. He is thrilled to see his teachings of radical love, charity, and peace survived, until he discovers the commercialized, polarizing, and occasionally absurd ways humanity has interpreted his legacy.
Title: The 2,000-Year Nap
Characters:
- JESUS: Still rocking the classic robes, completely confused by modern technology and culture.
- ANGEL GABRIEL: The overwhelmed, extremely busy celestial intern trying to keep him up to speed.
[SCENE START]
INT. HEAVENLY CLOUD - DAY
JESUS sits up on a giant, fluffy cloud, yawning and rubbing his eyes. He is wearing a classic first-century tunic.
JESUS
Ah, that was a good rest. Ten minutes of shut-eye turns into 2,000 years in human time, right? Gabriel? Where are my sandals?
Ah, that was a good rest. Ten minutes of shut-eye turns into 2,000 years in human time, right? Gabriel? Where are my sandals?
GABRIEL (an Angel in a very wrinkled suit, frantically tapping on an iPad)
Uh, Lord? You've been asleep since the Roman Empire was a thing. And... well, we have a lot to catch up on.
Uh, Lord? You've been asleep since the Roman Empire was a thing. And... well, we have a lot to catch up on.
JESUS
Did the disciples finish that mustard seed project I gave them?
Did the disciples finish that mustard seed project I gave them?
GABRIEL
You could say that. But let’s look at your brand identity first.
You could say that. But let’s look at your brand identity first.
Gabriel waves his hand. A giant holographic screen projects footage of modern-day Earth. Jesus watches a clip of a televangelist on a private jet, asking for "seed faith donations" of $$1,000.
JESUS
Whoa, whoa. Who is that guy? And why does his suit cost more than the entire village of Capernaum?
Whoa, whoa. Who is that guy? And why does his suit cost more than the entire village of Capernaum?
GABRIEL
That’s a prosperity gospel preacher. He says if people wire him money, you will send them a brand-new Ferrari. It’s a very lucrative business model.
That’s a prosperity gospel preacher. He says if people wire him money, you will send them a brand-new Ferrari. It’s a very lucrative business model.
JESUS
A Ferrari? Is that a type of donkey? I said "blessed are the meek," not "blessed are the ones who can afford leather seats."
A Ferrari? Is that a type of donkey? I said "blessed are the meek," not "blessed are the ones who can afford leather seats."
GABRIEL
Oh, it gets better. Let’s look at the merchandise.
Oh, it gets better. Let’s look at the merchandise.
Gabriel swipes the screen. It shows an aisle in a mega-store with Jesus-shaped candles, "Jesus is my Homeboy" trucker hats, and Jesus action figures equipped with "walking on water" action grips.
JESUS
Action figures? I had sandals and a beard! I specifically told them to remember my teachings, not to put my face on a toaster!
Action figures? I had sandals and a beard! I specifically told them to remember my teachings, not to put my face on a toaster!
GABRIEL
Wait, you haven't seen the coffee mugs or the air fresheners yet.
Wait, you haven't seen the coffee mugs or the air fresheners yet.
JESUS
(Pacing)
This is... not what I meant. I told them to feed the poor, love their neighbors, and turn the other cheek. How are they treating the poor?
(Pacing)
This is... not what I meant. I told them to feed the poor, love their neighbors, and turn the other cheek. How are they treating the poor?
GABRIEL
Well... some groups use your name to justify book bans, protest free school lunches, and aggressively shout at people on the subway.
Well... some groups use your name to justify book bans, protest free school lunches, and aggressively shout at people on the subway.
Jesus stops pacing. He drops his face into his hands, shaking his head.
JESUS
I gave them one job. Just one! "Love one another as I have loved you." How did we get to be on a bumper sticker next to a decal of a cartoon family?
I gave them one job. Just one! "Love one another as I have loved you." How did we get to be on a bumper sticker next to a decal of a cartoon family?
GABRIEL
(Sympathetically)
To be fair, there are still a lot of folks actually doing the whole charity thing. The hospitals, the food banks, the—
(Sympathetically)
To be fair, there are still a lot of folks actually doing the whole charity thing. The hospitals, the food banks, the—
JESUS
(Interrupting, brightening slightly)
Oh, really? So some of them got it right?
(Interrupting, brightening slightly)
Oh, really? So some of them got it right?
GABRIEL
Sure. But those guys don't make for good viral content, so the algorithms mostly ignore them. Everyone else prefers fighting over whose interpretation of your beard is the most accurate.
Sure. But those guys don't make for good viral content, so the algorithms mostly ignore them. Everyone else prefers fighting over whose interpretation of your beard is the most accurate.
JESUS
(Sighs heavily)
Unbelievable. Let me get this straight: the carpenter from Nazareth gets executed for telling everyone to be nice to each other, and 2,000 years later, people are using my name to sell energy drinks and argue about politics on the internet?
(Sighs heavily)
Unbelievable. Let me get this straight: the carpenter from Nazareth gets executed for telling everyone to be nice to each other, and 2,000 years later, people are using my name to sell energy drinks and argue about politics on the internet?
GABRIEL
Pretty much.
Pretty much.
JESUS
(Tying his sandals)
That's it. I’m going back down. My second coming isn't going to be a glorious descent from the clouds—I’m bringing a bucket of water and a mop. We need to reset the servers.
(Tying his sandals)
That's it. I’m going back down. My second coming isn't going to be a glorious descent from the clouds—I’m bringing a bucket of water and a mop. We need to reset the servers.
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