Jesus notices the Catholic church (re: God wakes up)
I asked the Google search bar:
Write a funny script about Jesus finding out what the Catholic church has been saying in his name. Focus on differences between his words and the catholic organization and faith. Consider comparing what he said about the pharisee and the catholic holy orders.
Here's the response:
Jesus navigates modern times to review the Catholic Church's teachings. He is baffled by a giant organization claiming his authority, specifically noting the disconnect between his anti-hierarchy messages and the rigid structures of the modern Vatican.
Title: The Message is "Celebrate"
Characters:
Characters:
- JESUS: Laid-back, speaks in parables, visibly confused by modern acronyms.
- PETER: Stressed, holding an iPad, trying to manage PR.
[SCENE START]
INT. HEAVENLY BREAK ROOM - DAY
Jesus is sitting on a cloud, casually turning water into Diet Dr. Pepper. Peter runs in, frantically tapping on an iPad.
PETER
Boss, we have a situation. A huge PR disaster. The Catholic Church has been giving a news briefing on your behalf for the last two millennia.
Boss, we have a situation. A huge PR disaster. The Catholic Church has been giving a news briefing on your behalf for the last two millennia.
JESUS
The Catholics? They’re the ones with the cool hats, right? Wait, what did I say this time? Let me guess: "Love thy neighbor"? "Feed the hungry"?
The Catholics? They’re the ones with the cool hats, right? Wait, what did I say this time? Let me guess: "Love thy neighbor"? "Feed the hungry"?
PETER
(Sighs, turns the iPad around)
Well... they have this thing called the "Sacrament of Holy Orders". Only men, highly stratified. Deacons, Priests, Bishops, Cardinals, and the Pope—who they say acts in persona Christi, basically standing in for you on earth.
(Sighs, turns the iPad around)
Well... they have this thing called the "Sacrament of Holy Orders". Only men, highly stratified. Deacons, Priests, Bishops, Cardinals, and the Pope—who they say acts in persona Christi, basically standing in for you on earth.
JESUS
(Drops his soda)
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. I said "the greatest among you shall be your servant". I hung out with fishermen and tax collectors! I explicitly told everyone: "Call no man your father on earth, for you have one Father in heaven".
(Drops his soda)
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. I said "the greatest among you shall be your servant". I hung out with fishermen and tax collectors! I explicitly told everyone: "Call no man your father on earth, for you have one Father in heaven".
PETER
(Winces)
Yeah... about that. They call their priests "Father". Like, literally, "Father." And they have a strict dress code. Very elaborate vestments, gold, big hats.
(Winces)
Yeah... about that. They call their priests "Father". Like, literally, "Father." And they have a strict dress code. Very elaborate vestments, gold, big hats.
JESUS
(Stands up, pacing)
Are you kidding me? The whole reason I called out the Pharisees was their love of status and fancy clothes! I said they "love the place of honor at banquets, the best seats in the synagogues, and greetings in the marketplaces"! I warned my disciples to beware of that exact kind of showy hypocrisy.
(Stands up, pacing)
Are you kidding me? The whole reason I called out the Pharisees was their love of status and fancy clothes! I said they "love the place of honor at banquets, the best seats in the synagogues, and greetings in the marketplaces"! I warned my disciples to beware of that exact kind of showy hypocrisy.
PETER
Well, in fairness, the Vatican argues that they are continuing your apostolic ministry, and that the Pope sits in an unbroken chain of authority.
Well, in fairness, the Vatican argues that they are continuing your apostolic ministry, and that the Pope sits in an unbroken chain of authority.
JESUS
I didn't start a chain of command with business cards and red shoes! I said the kingdom of God is inside you! They took a grassroots movement about radical forgiveness and turned it into an international corporate hierarchy with its own legal system.
I didn't start a chain of command with business cards and red shoes! I said the kingdom of God is inside you! They took a grassroots movement about radical forgiveness and turned it into an international corporate hierarchy with its own legal system.
PETER
It gets weirder. They have this thing called "Infallibility."
It gets weirder. They have this thing called "Infallibility."
JESUS
Wait, what? I’m the only one who got the "infallibility" pass, and even I just cried when people died. Who else claims to be perfect?
Wait, what? I’m the only one who got the "infallibility" pass, and even I just cried when people died. Who else claims to be perfect?
PETER
The Pope, occasionally. When speaking officially on faith and morals.
The Pope, occasionally. When speaking officially on faith and morals.
JESUS
(Rubs his temples)
Unbelievable. Let me check the Parables. The Pharisee stood in the temple and prayed, "God, I thank you that I am not like other men". The Tax Collector beat his chest and asked for mercy. I said the Tax Collector went home justified, not the Pharisee! How did they read that and decide: "You know what we need? More Pharisees, but with an 11-tier management structure!"
(Rubs his temples)
Unbelievable. Let me check the Parables. The Pharisee stood in the temple and prayed, "God, I thank you that I am not like other men". The Tax Collector beat his chest and asked for mercy. I said the Tax Collector went home justified, not the Pharisee! How did they read that and decide: "You know what we need? More Pharisees, but with an 11-tier management structure!"
PETER
They do emphasize charity and the sacraments, Boss. It’s not all bad.
They do emphasize charity and the sacraments, Boss. It’s not all bad.
JESUS
I know, I know. My heart goes out to the everyday people in the pews. They're trying their best. But the organization? They’ve built a fortress out of rules I abolished. I tore down the veil in the temple so anyone could talk to God directly! They just put a fancy, expensive curtain right back up and put a Priest in front of it to charge an emotional toll.
I know, I know. My heart goes out to the everyday people in the pews. They're trying their best. But the organization? They’ve built a fortress out of rules I abolished. I tore down the veil in the temple so anyone could talk to God directly! They just put a fancy, expensive curtain right back up and put a Priest in front of it to charge an emotional toll.
PETER
So, should I draft a correction? A tweet?
So, should I draft a correction? A tweet?
JESUS
(Sighs, smiling gently)
No, Peter. Just call the Pope. Tell him I said to take a few billion, give it to the poor, and sell the fancy robes. And for heaven’s sake, stop calling each other "Your Holiness." It’s embarrassing.
(Sighs, smiling gently)
No, Peter. Just call the Pope. Tell him I said to take a few billion, give it to the poor, and sell the fancy robes. And for heaven’s sake, stop calling each other "Your Holiness." It’s embarrassing.
[SCENE END]
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