I asked the Google search bar:
Write a script about a satirical job interview where Trump tests prospective cabinet members on their ability to praise a bad policy with absolute, deadpan seriousness and loyalty to Trump. This should be a group interview with several candidates competing to win the position.
Here's the script:
TITLE: THE APPRENTICE: CABINET EDITION
CHARACTERS:
- DONALD TRUMP (70s): The President. Sitting behind the Resolute Desk, holding a golden stopwatch and evaluating his contestants.
- AGENT MILLER (40s): Secret Service. Standing behind Trump. His facial expressions serve as a silent cry for help to the audience.
- CANDIDATE 1 (DR. BRADLEY, 50s): A smooth, high-society Ivy League economist wearing a $4,000 suit. Desperate for power.
- CANDIDATE 2 (SARAH, 30s): A hyper-aggressive cable news pundit. Speaks entirely in media-trained, unblinking talking points.
- CANDIDATE 3 (GARY, 60s): A traditional, terrified career politician trying to blend in so he doesn't get fired.
[SCENE START]
INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY
DR. BRADLEY, SARAH, and GARY sit shoulder-to-shoulder in three identical, uncomfortably low chairs in front of the Resolute Desk. They look like nervous schoolchildren awaiting a principal.
TRUMP leans forward, his hands forming his signature steeple gesture. Behind him, AGENT MILLER stands completely still, though his eyes dart nervously between the candidates like he’s watching a slow-motion car crash.
TRUMP
Welcome to the final round. Tremendous candidates. The best. But I only have one slot left in the Cabinet: Secretary of Reality. It’s a very important position. It requires total loyalty, great genes, and most importantly, the ability to say something incredibly smart when the fake news says it's stupid.
Welcome to the final round. Tremendous candidates. The best. But I only have one slot left in the Cabinet: Secretary of Reality. It’s a very important position. It requires total loyalty, great genes, and most importantly, the ability to say something incredibly smart when the fake news says it's stupid.
The candidates lean in, eyes wide.
TRUMP
Here is the scenario. I have just passed an Executive Order to replace the U.S. Dollar with complimentary vouchers for my Atlantic City casinos from 1995. The stock market is down 8,000 points. Wall Street is on fire. Literally on fire. Bradley, you're on CNBC. Defend it. Go.
Here is the scenario. I have just passed an Executive Order to replace the U.S. Dollar with complimentary vouchers for my Atlantic City casinos from 1995. The stock market is down 8,000 points. Wall Street is on fire. Literally on fire. Bradley, you're on CNBC. Defend it. Go.
Dr. Bradley clears his throat, smoothly adjusting his tie. He adopts a flawless, deadpan academic tone.
DR. BRADLEY
It’s a masterstroke, Mr. President. By shifting the global reserve currency to 1995 Trump Plaza slot tokens, we have effectively decoupled American hegemony from traditional inflationary pressures. If a foreign adversary wants to short the dollar, they physically cannot, because the buffet at the Taj Mahal has been closed for thirty years. It’s economic genius.
It’s a masterstroke, Mr. President. By shifting the global reserve currency to 1995 Trump Plaza slot tokens, we have effectively decoupled American hegemony from traditional inflationary pressures. If a foreign adversary wants to short the dollar, they physically cannot, because the buffet at the Taj Mahal has been closed for thirty years. It’s economic genius.
Trump nods slowly, tapping his chin. He looks up at Miller. Miller’s left cheek twitches violently. Miller stares at the camera, his eyes saying: “He just rationalized a societal collapse.”
TRUMP
Very sophisticated, Bradley. Good vocabulary. A bit low energy, but smart. Sarah, same scenario. Go.
Very sophisticated, Bradley. Good vocabulary. A bit low energy, but smart. Sarah, same scenario. Go.
Sarah doesn't blink. She stares directly into an imaginary TV camera, flashing a terrifyingly bright, unyielding smile.
SARAH
(Fast, aggressive, deadpan)
What the mainstream media won't tell you, Wolf, is that the American people are tired of paper money. Paper causes paper cuts. Under President Trump’s bold leadership, we are transitioning to a physical, token-based nostalgia economy. The radical left wants you to use digital currency, but President Trump is putting real, plastic, neon-pink chips back into the hands of hard-working coal miners. It’s beautiful, it's brilliant, and frankly, anyone who wants to buy groceries with regular money hates America.
(Fast, aggressive, deadpan)
What the mainstream media won't tell you, Wolf, is that the American people are tired of paper money. Paper causes paper cuts. Under President Trump’s bold leadership, we are transitioning to a physical, token-based nostalgia economy. The radical left wants you to use digital currency, but President Trump is putting real, plastic, neon-pink chips back into the hands of hard-working coal miners. It’s beautiful, it's brilliant, and frankly, anyone who wants to buy groceries with regular money hates America.
Trump slaps the desk.
TRUMP
Wow. Fantastic. "Hates America," that's a great hook. Very aggressive. Gary, top that. Wall Street is burning. The vouchers are worthless. Defend me.
Wow. Fantastic. "Hates America," that's a great hook. Very aggressive. Gary, top that. Wall Street is burning. The vouchers are worthless. Defend me.
Gary is sweating profusely. He looks at the desk, then at Trump, then at Agent Miller. Miller gives him a microscopic shake of the head that says: “Run while you still can.”
GARY
(Stuttering)
W-well, Mr. President... as a constitutional conservative, I would argue that... perhaps we could phase the vouchers in? To minimize the rioting in the streets?
(Stuttering)
W-well, Mr. President... as a constitutional conservative, I would argue that... perhaps we could phase the vouchers in? To minimize the rioting in the streets?
The room goes dead silent.
Trump’s face drops into a scowl. Sarah looks at Gary like he's a piece of raw meat.
Behind Trump, Agent Miller winces and slowly raises his hand to press his earpiece, preparing for the inevitable fallout.
TRUMP
Phase it in? Gary, that is weak. That is loser talk. Rioting is just people expressing their excitement for the new currency. They're celebrating! They're burning cars out of pure joy!
Phase it in? Gary, that is weak. That is loser talk. Rioting is just people expressing their excitement for the new currency. They're celebrating! They're burning cars out of pure joy!
SARAH
(Interjecting, deadpan)
The smoke from those burning cars is actually a sign of economic renewal, Mr. President. It's beautiful carbon output.
(Interjecting, deadpan)
The smoke from those burning cars is actually a sign of economic renewal, Mr. President. It's beautiful carbon output.
TRUMP
Exactly! Beautiful carbon. Gary, you’re soft. You lack the vision. You're fired. Get him out of here, Miller.
Exactly! Beautiful carbon. Gary, you’re soft. You lack the vision. You're fired. Get him out of here, Miller.
Agent Miller steps forward, grabs Gary by the arm with absolute robotic efficiency, and begins wheeling him out of the room. As Gary is dragged away, Miller looks back at the remaining two candidates. His expression is one of profound pity.
TRUMP
(Turning to Bradley and Sarah)
Now, for the tiebreaker. I just announced that the moon is a partisan hoax invented by the French. Bradley, give me the math. Sarah, give me the cable news outrage.
(Turning to Bradley and Sarah)
Now, for the tiebreaker. I just announced that the moon is a partisan hoax invented by the French. Bradley, give me the math. Sarah, give me the cable news outrage.
Bradley and Sarah immediately lean forward, their faces completely blank, deadpan, and terrifyingly ready.
[SCENE END]
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