Canada annexed by Denmark
I asked the Google search bar:
Write a funny script about breaking news. In a surprise move Denmark annexed Canada, consolidating its empire. Greenland is like WTF. US says it was their idea first. Canada is now EU. Biblical prophecy realized!
Here's the response:
[SCENE START]
INT. GLOBAL NEWS DESK - NIGHT
An URGENT NEWS BULLETIN graphic flashes across the screen. Explosions of dramatic synth music play.
WOLF BLITZ-PUNCHER, a seasoned anchor with perfectly shellacked hair, stares into the camera with wild, unblinking eyes.
WOLF
Breaking news tonight. Put down your dinners, citizens, because geography as we know it has just been violently deleted. In a shocking, completely unprovoked bureaucratic ambush, Denmark has officially annexed Canada.
Breaking news tonight. Put down your dinners, citizens, because geography as we know it has just been violently deleted. In a shocking, completely unprovoked bureaucratic ambush, Denmark has officially annexed Canada.
(beat)
Yes, you heard that right. The Kingdom of Denmark now owns the second-largest landmass on Earth. Joining us live from Nuuk is Greenlandic Foreign Minister, ANAKA NUK.
INT. GREENLAND PRESS ROOM - CONTINUOUS
ANAKA stands at a podium. She looks entirely disheveled, holding a coffee cup, blinking rapidly.
ANAKA
Look, I just woke up. We at Greenland are currently experiencing a state of absolute, unmitigated WTF. Denmark is our literal roommate. They can barely manage to keep their own bicycle lanes clear in the winter, and now they just adopted 40 million maple-syrup-chugging hockey players? We share a tiny rock called Hans Island with Canada! We used to just leave bottles of schnapps for each other! Now Denmark owns the entire timeline?! WTF?!
Look, I just woke up. We at Greenland are currently experiencing a state of absolute, unmitigated WTF. Denmark is our literal roommate. They can barely manage to keep their own bicycle lanes clear in the winter, and now they just adopted 40 million maple-syrup-chugging hockey players? We share a tiny rock called Hans Island with Canada! We used to just leave bottles of schnapps for each other! Now Denmark owns the entire timeline?! WTF?!
INT. GLOBAL NEWS DESK - CONTINUOUS
Wolf nods solemnly, then touches his earpiece.
WOLF
Fascinating insights from Nuuk. Let’s go straight to Washington, where the White House has just called an emergency press conference.
Fascinating insights from Nuuk. Let’s go straight to Washington, where the White House has just called an emergency press conference.
INT. WHITE HOUSE BRIEFING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
DONALD TRUMP stands at the podium, looking deeply offended but incredibly smug. He waves his hands in tiny circles.
TRUMP
It’s a beautiful thing, what Denmark did. But let’s be honest, folks, everybody knows it—it was my idea first. I said years ago, 'Let’s buy Greenland.' They laughed. The fake news media said, 'Oh, Donald, you can't buy land, it’s not a real estate deal.' But I saw the vision. I told the Danes, I said, 'Fellas, don’t buy Greenland, go for the big one. Go for Canada.' The Canadian negotiators—very weak, very polite—they just folded. They said, 'Take it, it’s yours.' So really, Denmark owes me a very big, very beautiful finder's fee. Tremendous strategy by me.
It’s a beautiful thing, what Denmark did. But let’s be honest, folks, everybody knows it—it was my idea first. I said years ago, 'Let’s buy Greenland.' They laughed. The fake news media said, 'Oh, Donald, you can't buy land, it’s not a real estate deal.' But I saw the vision. I told the Danes, I said, 'Fellas, don’t buy Greenland, go for the big one. Go for Canada.' The Canadian negotiators—very weak, very polite—they just folded. They said, 'Take it, it’s yours.' So really, Denmark owes me a very big, very beautiful finder's fee. Tremendous strategy by me.
INT. GLOBAL NEWS DESK - CONTINUOUS
WOLF
A stunning claim of intellectual property theft from Washington. But the geopolitical shockwaves don't stop there. Because Canada is now officially Danish territory, Canada has instantly entered the European Union. We go live to Brussels.
A stunning claim of intellectual property theft from Washington. But the geopolitical shockwaves don't stop there. Because Canada is now officially Danish territory, Canada has instantly entered the European Union. We go live to Brussels.
INT. EUROPEAN PARLIAMENT - CONTINUOUS
A FRENCH DIPLOMAT stands in front of a giant EU flag, looking absolutely ecstatic while sipping a tiny espresso.
FRENCH DIPLOMAT
Magnifique! For decades, we have endured the Americans and their terrible cheese. But now? The European Union borders the United States! We have successfully surrounded them with high-density socialized healthcare and mandatory four-week summer vacations! The Euro is now the official currency of Montreal! We are currently retrofitting all Tim Hortons to serve proper croissants. It is a triumph for the Republic!
Magnifique! For decades, we have endured the Americans and their terrible cheese. But now? The European Union borders the United States! We have successfully surrounded them with high-density socialized healthcare and mandatory four-week summer vacations! The Euro is now the official currency of Montreal! We are currently retrofitting all Tim Hortons to serve proper croissants. It is a triumph for the Republic!
INT. GLOBAL NEWS DESK - CONTINUOUS
Wolf leans forward, his face illuminated by a sudden, ominous red studio light. Thunder cracks in the distance.
WOLF
But perhaps the most terrifying development of all comes from our religious affairs desk. Theological scholars worldwide are confirming that this bizarre Arctic merger has officially fulfilled the final, obscure verses of Biblical prophecy. Let's go to our Faith Correspondent.
But perhaps the most terrifying development of all comes from our religious affairs desk. Theological scholars worldwide are confirming that this bizarre Arctic merger has officially fulfilled the final, obscure verses of Biblical prophecy. Let's go to our Faith Correspondent.
INT. MEGADON CHURCH - CONTINUOUS
PASTOR BOB, an evangelical preacher in an expensive suit, is sweating profusely, pointing at a giant map of the world.
PASTOR BOB
It’s right there in the Book of Revelations, chapter 14, Wolf! 'And lo, the Great White Moose shall kneel before the Pastry of Copenhagen! The maple leaf shall wither, and the Lego brick shall reign supreme!' This is it, folks! The end times are upon us! Canada is EU! The seas will boil with gravy and cheese curds! Repent! Repent before the Vikings take your retirement funds!
It’s right there in the Book of Revelations, chapter 14, Wolf! 'And lo, the Great White Moose shall kneel before the Pastry of Copenhagen! The maple leaf shall wither, and the Lego brick shall reign supreme!' This is it, folks! The end times are upon us! Canada is EU! The seas will boil with gravy and cheese curds! Repent! Repent before the Vikings take your retirement funds!
INT. GLOBAL NEWS DESK - CONTINUOUS
Wolf stares blankly into the camera for three full seconds.
WOLF
Well, there you have it. Canada is European, Greenland is confused, Trump is taking credit, and the apocalypse is officially scheduled for Tuesday. Good luck to us all. Up next: Will the metric system finally destroy Ontario? Stay tuned.
Well, there you have it. Canada is European, Greenland is confused, Trump is taking credit, and the apocalypse is officially scheduled for Tuesday. Good luck to us all. Up next: Will the metric system finally destroy Ontario? Stay tuned.
[SCENE END]
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